If you are in a relationship, maybe you wonder why it is not how it used to be and whether it will last. Maybe you find it difficult to acknowledge that relationships go through phases. That’s actually how nature works.
A bell-shaped curve with ascending, peak, and descending segments can be used to represent all of our experiences. Change is the only constant in life, and this holds true for everything.We are in an everlasting flux, a process of continuous change and flow.
Relationships can’t be left out of this rule. After all, they are living organisms, systems composed of two individuals that both grow and change.Since these two people are always interacting and doing business with one another, changes to the system are inevitable.
Even though you might not like this fact, life wouldn’t be interesting and static without it.
According to psychotherapist David Richo, “the phases of human relating involve passages of origin, change, loss, grief, and renewal” in his book “How to be an adult in relationships.” Thus, change serves as a signal for transformation—personal and interpersonal.
1. Romance : Attachment to the Other
Romance is the first relationship stage. It is spurred by initial attraction, but then involves the choice to respond to this attraction. Since we are responsible for every decision we make, taking these actions could ultimately lead us to a deeper level of love as we lay the groundwork for our shared attachment.
Romance is a little bit like magic. You are infatuated by the other, enchanted by them, excited to be with them and around them. You see them as this perfect being that can only bring you bliss and joy, and they inspire you to also be amazing, ideal and beautiful around them too. It is like you both encourage the Best Version of each other to come out.Although it is a very real stage, romance is fleeting. And that makes perfect sense from a physiological and developmental standpoint. Dopamine, adrenaline, and sexual vigor are high, but they are insufficient to ensure and maintain a committed romantic relationship over the long term.
Continued high adrenaline actually poses a threat to our health, so by nature we are bound to not be thrilled, excited and amazed by our partner all the time, in order not to damage ourselves.
During the romance stage, we are in love. Yet this being in love does not mean we know and see the other as a whole, nor that we actually love them. We are in love with a projection of the other in our minds, we get to know their Persona, their ideal representation of themselves to the outside world. We also present them with our Persona, hesitantly gauging the security of revealing aspects of ourselves that we take great care to conceal.
A lover’s perfect perception of us is real. There is truth to romance. We are viewed in all of our loveliness when we are in a romantic relationship. This is a true reflection of our inner selves, devoid of negativity and fears.But ideal does not equal real, because real entails our being seen by the Other as a Whole- and vice versa.
When we hear the phrase “Love is blind”, it actually means that Romance is blind, because we remain oblivious to the Other as a Whole Person while in love. In contrast, love sees all, accepts all, and chooses to be there nonetheless.
People can be in love without truly loving, since how can you ever truly love if you haven’t allowed yourself to be wholly You and haven’t seen the Other in all of their glory? Not yet included in the equation are our Shadow Selves, our darker sides, our more fragile wounded parts, and relics from past stages of our lives.
Since it sets the stage for future relationship development, romance is an essential stage.It sets the foundation of our attachment to the other, but it does not imply the existence of a mature bond
When the initial phase of romance ends, a lot of people are prepared to end a relationship.When they realize that the first clouds appear in clear skies, or that “the thrill is gone”, they are eager to jump ship.
These people hold an illusion of what love really is, or are just unprepared and too afraid to allow themselves to experience it. They may claim to be in search of the perfect love and to be shocked to learn that their ideal partner is actually a perfectly imperfect human being, just like them. They might fail to recognize that the ideal and the real are not the same thing because the real involves constant conflict, disconnection, and reconnection.
What to do during the Romance Stage
When in the romance stage, there’s only one thing to do: savor every moment of it, knowing that it won’t last forever!
Some couples are fortunate enough to experience romance for several months or even a full year. For others, indications of the upcoming phase, Conflict, might manifest sooner.
While unhealthy relationships lead to dominance or codependency, healthy ones lead to interdependence. People can fall so deeply in love that they lose all control, which is the risk associated with romance. They might lose their own boundaries and even themselves as a result of becoming so entangled with the other. At this point, addiction is a genuine risk; the functional alternative is progression.
Being extremely proactive can help reduce the risk of addiction. Even though you may find yourself wanting to be with your loved one all the time, it can be beneficial to fight this urge and insist on maintaining your own social circle, hobbies, and free time as well as your identity, rather than simply becoming One with them.
A healthy relationship, after all, enhances your life rather than makes you feel empty inside. If the latter, you should be aware that no one can ever completely fill the void inside you.That is nobody else’s business, but yours. Keep your boundaries and respect those of the other, even if the natural impulse is to forget everything and completely surrender to the magic of the moment.
Even though it may appear magical at first, love develops gradually and feels much more stable and satisfying in the end. However, this also implies that in order to create something genuinely robust and fulfilling, you will need to work with both the other and yourself.Rome wasn’t build in one day!
The virtues of intimate love
Trust
Committed love is defined by a strong sense of trust towards your partner, as opposed to the occasionally insecure state of the earlier stages. To be trusted by someone is to accept their love for you while also handling their shortcomings bravely.
The Five A’s
Attention, Acceptance, Allowing, Appreciation and Affection are in a reciprocal flow between the two partners. If there are failures in how the Five A’s are offered or received, both partners are not afraid to address this, and both can commit to make amends and improve. Furthermore, in conscious and mature relationships, both parties are able to accept that the other might not always be there to support them or give them the Five A’s; however, this does not mean that you should leave until it starts to happen frequently.
Boundaries
A mature and deep love is one that values the idea that each of the two people is an independent, separate person and can, therefore, have personal boundaries that the other respects and understands.
Interdependence
Although you desire the other person to be by your side, you do not feel in need of their presence. Though you don’t give in to them or assign them full responsibility for your well-being, you do have a serene and assured inner knowing that the other is there for you and that you can rely on them. Rather than being codependent, each person is in charge of their own life and is able to rely on the other in a healthy and balanced way.
Communication
In a healthy committed relationship, partners can openly and honestly communicate with each other about personal and interpersonal concerns. They can do so in an adult manner, with paying respect to the needs of their partner too.